Published January 2, 2008
Last Moments
you lay in silence as your body is old and tired. a tear still on your cheek, i brush it away gently. your eyes begin to get heavy, as do mine, and your body starts to relax, i fight to hold you close and listen as you draw each breath, as shallow as they may be. i kiss your lips and close my eyes knowing that when i open them again we will be in Heaven together.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
Please go back and check for grammer mistakes, such as captitalization. Even poetry (if this is poetry being unique with its versing) uses a degree of grammer. This sounds like a short exerpt from a larger story though. It's cute.
This sounds more like a poem and I've never read a poem in this fation. Still good though...
Alright, well... No, is about all I can say. Poetry (usually) is in verse, or if it isn't going to be in verse, learn the rules before you break them.
All I can say is read what I said on your other poem. You need to consider adding poetic devices, imagery, metaphor, etc. Keep in mind that a poem should share something with the reader, it should make them feel, or think, or look at the world in a different way. What is this doing for your reader?